


At Least It's Not A Dead Raccoon

by DarkMoonMaiden



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-27
Updated: 2013-02-27
Packaged: 2017-12-03 19:08:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkMoonMaiden/pseuds/DarkMoonMaiden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade needs to tone down the spontaneity a bit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Least It's Not A Dead Raccoon

“Heeeeeyyy, Spidey!”

“Oh God, no,” Peter groaned as he avoided another green blast of energy from the newest witch terrorizing the city.

“What the hell’s Deadpool doing here?” Wolverine snarled into Peter’s earpiece. There was a gross squelching sound, and from his perch on the edge of the building, he could see that the man had sliced clean through one of the projectiles aimed at him. “Get that asshole out of here!”

“Where is he?” Ben’s voice crackled into the conversation. “I’ll deal with ‘em until he goes away.”

“Spidey! Spidey! Over here!”

“Ugh, just let me see what he wants,” Spiderwoman growled. “Where is he?”

“I see him,” Peter said, watching the masked lunatic jumping in the air and waving his arms. “He’s on the roof.”

“Spidey! Hey!”

Peter ducked under another blob of green energy, shooting a web at the hand at the many-fanged sorceress. She was distracted long enough with trying to rip it off that Ben managed to heft Wolverine at her. She dropped out of the sky, screeching in animalistic fury and desperately trying to rip the muscled man off of her.

“Fine, I’m here!” Spiderwoman yelled, standing on top of the building next to Peter. She cocked her hip, resting her hand on it. “What do you want, Deadpool?”

Deadpool froze with his arms above his head. “You guys have two spideys on your team now? Hm, I musta skipped a few pages or issues or something. No, I wasn’t calling for you, Fake-Tits Spidey. I wanted the other want.”

Spiderwoman’s jaw dropped in horror. “Who the hell are you calling—?!”

“Spidey, come over here!” Deadpool motioned frantically at Peter. “I have a present for you!”

It was then that Peter noticed that Deadpool did, in fact, have a black bag sitting at his feet. Oh god is that a dead animal? It’s the size of a small animal, it could be. Please tell me he didn’t kill a cat or a raccoon…

“Um, I think I’ll stay over here, thanks,” Peter called back uncertainly.

“What does he have?” Wolverine demanded in his ear.

“Dunno,” Spiderwoman grumbled, still peeved by Deadpool’s earlier comment. “It’s in a bag.”

Deadpool visibly deflated at Spiderman’s brush-off. “Aw, come on! It’s really cool…”

“What is that lunatic up to?” Ben asked in confusion. Peter glanced down and saw that he was now fighting off slime-y, green snakes that the sorceress had summoned. “What’s he tryna give you?”

“How should I know?” Peter retorted, letting out a few well-placed webs that covered the sorceress’ face.

“Hey, you’re talking to yourself, too!” Deadpool suddenly gasped. “You’re crazy like me! That just shows it, we were made for each other. Do you have white and yellow boxes in your head that fight with each other—“

“I’m talking into an earpiece, Wade,” Peter interrupted him, pointing to it. “Earpiece.”

“Oh. Whatever.”

Spiderwoman let out a gasp when one of the larger snakes slithered up the building and wrapped itself around her, morphing into green rope. Peter tensed, preparing to jump off and grab her, but the goo the rope was covered with made it easy for her to twist out of. She grabbed onto a light pole, spinning around it a few times before effortlessly landing on her feet.

“You okay?” he asked worriedly.

“’Course I am,” she snorted. “Except I smell like snot.”

Peter relaxed, focusing back on Deadpool, who was…no longer on the roof. In fact, he wasn’t anywhere in sight. Peter scanned the chaotic roads down below, searching for the masked mercenary before he got close enough to Peter that he could—

“Hi, Spidey.”

An undignified squawk left Peter’s mouth as he whirled around, reflexively taking a step back from the man behind him. Deadpool reached out in a flash, spinning Peter away from the edge and dipping him. He kept one arm around his waist—way, way, way too low, okay, that’s a hand on his ass now—and the other one held…whatever was under the bag.

Deadpool grinned widely—his mask was pulled up just passed his nose, revealing the scarred skin he rarely showed. He was close enough that Peter could smell the Mexican food in his breath that he always went on about when Peter was actually trying to be productive.

“Oh my God, wow, get away from me,” Peter said, voice going shrill with panic. “Could you kindly get your hand off my ass and back up a few miles?” There was a commotion in his earpiece so loud that he could even hear his teammates on the street.

“You’re really tiny, Pete-y boy,” Deadpool said with a surprised frown as he put the bag down on a large hunk of stone that the sorceress had lobbed up there earlier. “I guess that makes sense, since spiders are small…”

“And you still need to get your hand off my ass,” Peter repeated, pulling at the arm around his midsection and pushing at Deadpool’s chest.

“Shh,” Deadpool shushed him, pressing a finger over Peter’s mouth. “I’m in the process of wooing you. Don’t distract me.”

“’ _Wooing you_?’” Wolverine and Spiderwoman echoed with disbelieving and angry tones.

“Um. What.”

“Was that question directed at me, or at your team?” Deadpool asked. “I’m trying to win your affections, trying to…” He pursed his lips in thought before continuing. “…Court you, I’m trying to get into your pants—wait, wait, that one’s not good!”

Peter made a strangled sound in the back of his throat as he fought to free his arms, which were pinned in between their chests.

“I’m not just wanting a nice lay, which I’m sure you are”—cue suggestive eyebrow wiggles under his mask—“but actually trying to ask you out. Yes? Yes. Now you know. Confused still?”

Yet another ball of green plasma went passed Peter’s head before he could splutter out a response. Even though it missed him, it still felt like someone threw a baseball right into the side of his head. His head spun, and he was vaguely aware of Deadpool abruptly yanking Peter’s mask up and kissing him soundly.

It took a few seconds to register what Deadpool was doing, but by then the other had already pulled back and ripped the bag off the bouquet of slightly squished daisies. The flowers were thrust into Peter’s numb hands, and he instinctively tightened his grip so they wouldn’t fall.

Wade grinned again, giving him another peck on the lips. “I would stay longer, but I think your team is going to kill me.”

“Damn straight we will, you pedophilic, crazy pain-in-my-ass!” Spiderwoman roared up at him from the street, pinning down the sorceress. “When I’m done with this bitch, I’m going to cut your dick off, Wilson!”

“Eh, I can reattach it,” Wade shrugged, letting the very-much-confused Peter go. “See ya tomorrow, Spidey.”

Pressing one last kiss to Peter’s open mouth, Deadpool took off running as Wolverine reached the roof, practically foaming at the mouth and racing after the mercenary.

Peter blinked rapidly, his brain seeming to have practically shut down. Ben and Jessica were now by him, him howling with laughter as she ranted and raved about how she was going to destroy Wade the next time she saw that mercenary.

His lips curled into a small smile as he admired the daisies he was still holding.

Well, he figured. At least it wasn't a dead raccoon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> This is also posted on my tumblr here: http://darkmoonmaiden.tumblr.com/post/44130888612/untitled


End file.
